Home Satire Got Knuckles? Use ’em

Got Knuckles? Use ’em


door-to-door-campaign“Good Morning, I love you” type thing

by Mary W Maxwell

The federal election is July 2. Today is June 18. So you can use your knuckles to knock on doors for the next 13 days.

Yes there is a ban on broadcasting political campaigns during the three days before the election — in this case June 29, 30, and July 1, but door-knocking is not prohibited.  Owing to the wintry weather and the early sunset it’s probably best to do your knuckling from 10am to 4pm.

So what is my Gumshoe-related point here?  One of our dear Commenters said – in effect – All is lost; we have no hope, the government and media are united against us.

I can see where he’s coming from – everything’s discouraging these days. But surely there must be ways to get to talk to one’s neighbors, and set up some resistance so the world doesn’t go to hell in a handbasket.

I am no expert on this and it’s ridiculous for me to give advice (but since when did I let that stop me?). Wouldn’t it be good if all citizens would consider running for office? This year it’s too late to enter the race, but you can work for one of the candidates.

“I Am Campaigning for Joe Bloggs”

Afraid there’s no one on the list who’d be worthy of your time?  No worries. I have in mind that you do this for your own sake, and simply “use” any candidate. Pick one, and drop by their office to ask for some handouts. (I mean literature, the other kind you can ask for later.)

So as not to scare the door-knockees, you should wear a large badge, readable through the “security” door.  It would be best to wear a picture of your candidate on your lapel. (Or just put it on your rear end and moon it, I don’t care.)

Think you don’t know the issues? Not a problem. The person who comes to the door probably doesn’t know either. You can start out by saying “In regard to the election next month, I’d like to ask for your vote for …” and then point to the badge (or turn around ostentatiously).

Years ago I read the autobiography of Tip O’Neill, Man of the House (he was the Speaker in Congress). He said peeps told him that it mattered to them that he door-knocked and ASKED for their vote. So it helps to say specifically “I need your vote” or (pointing) “He, she needs your vote.”

Note: many cat and dog owners believe the most important thing in the world is their relationship with their pet, so if you see a cat or dog in the garden you should immediately show interest. Perhaps ask the owner “Will your cat be voting?” or say “Some issues in this election might affect this magnificent dog (canine, pooch, tail-wagger, puppy, bitch – maybe not bitch).

Two Handbills

Many folks won’t be home. For them you need to have a letter, half-of-an-A4 size page, to leave in the mailbox, or sticking out under the welcome mat. “So sorry you weren’t here. But do email me at blah-blah.Bigpond.net. Dying to get your input before the election about any issue of concern.”

Oh, in the US it’s required that all advertisements for elections carry the name and residential address of the person who authorized it. I am not sure if Oz demands that, but since this exercise is all about you making contact, you’d want to give details.  Please feel free to mention GumshoeNews. (In fact please don’t feel free to not mention it!)

The other handbill you should have on you is your stay-behind letter to anyone you actually spoke to.  (All this is in addition to the flyer the pollie gave you, which is just a prop.) Your letter hardly needs to refer to the pollie you are “assisting.”

It could say “Dear Neighbor, we must do something about fracking before our water supply becomes a crisis.”  Or “Thank you for talking to me today. I was worried about door-knocking as this is my first go. Please get in touch with me at blah-blah.”

Tweedledum and Tweedledee Are Not OK

Possibly the two big parties will provide you with street lists so you will know whose door you are knocking on. I mean you will know the name of the person and that he/she is a member of that particular party.

Maybe you prefer that method. No doubt it increases your chance of being invited in for a cup of tea if you greet them as fellow Lib or fellow Lab. (Labrador.)

However, if you’ve chosen to back a Greens or a One Nation or an Independent, you could chat about the two big parties suffering from the curse of “party discipline.”

Personally, I think party discipline is a great sin. Each elected representative should represent his constituency, not his party leader. Hear, hear!

Have a look at something Bob Brown wrote in 1987 when he served as a Greens senator in federal Parliament from Tassie. He had been a medical doctor and then became a conservation activist over the Franklin Dam affair:

“Under the caucusing system, the Liberal and Labor party make all their decisions before they go to Parliament. They are locked in those decisions. Every day of parliamentary life I see people voting against what they believe in, simply because they’ve been outvoted in the caucus room. I couldn’t tolerate that and that is why I am an Independent.” (quoted in Gloria Frydman’s Protestors)

Anyway, door knocking is just one of many possible ways for you to start something. Later, when they put a complete ban on assembly, you will think Hmm, maybe I could have tried speaking to strangers; maybe most people realize, deep down, that we’re all in this together.

— Mary Maxwell lives in Adelaide. She will hang around the steps of Parliament House on Monday, 20 June, from 12.45-1.00pm. She has short reddish hair and will have photoshopped herself down to a trim size 16. Be there or be square.


Photo credit: Heritageaction.com





  1. AND the said Mary W Maxwell will position herself in the lobby of the Urban Hotel at 60 Enmore St, Newtown Sydney (near-ish to Newtown metro station; do not get off at Refdfern) this week on Wednesday evening at 7 to meet the Steak and Kidney set.

    Repeat: Wed June 22, 2016 at 7pm in Lobby of the Urban.
    Will shout dinner for up to 5 guests. Be there or go hungry.

      • “Cancel that booking.”
        Sorry, Gumshoers in NSW. I shan’t travel as planned, owing to expected weather. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

        However I will show up as planned at SA Parliiament House steps today from 12.45-1.00pm. Recently those vary large steps were completely occupied by protestors holding signs “No Live Export” as they had found animal cruelty in abbatoirs in Vietnam.

  2. Yes Mary ,
    we can all try because that is all that is left for us to do.
    In all previous elections, bar one in forty years, we have voted with pencils. Maybe this time we’ll get pens now that we have on-line voting also. This may correct the situation. I think not.
    Voting gives people the idea that their vote can bring positive change in the system when the facts show that the system is rigged.
    This place was a crown colony up to 1990 then the CIA corporatecracy moved in. Today we are part of the global world disorder.
    Port Arthur happened to squash any possible future rebellions.
    And now the CCP elite are moving in to “change the blood” and bring in the global workers to create a new race. The European influence here is over. After all we are at the bottom of Asia and just above us are two thirds of the worlds population.
    Assimilation and intergration is good but we don’t have to be ruled by dictators.

    • Dear 56, I’d like to hear your 150-word sales pitch that you would give (in lieu of “Good morning, I love you”) if anyone opened the door and looked willing to listen to you.

      Unrelated to elections. Remember the game here is to “contact the people.” What can you offer them to make them want to do something about our situation? They need your help.

      • Mary, good friend.
        How can we help anyone when I can’t even help myself.
        But in spite of the odds being overwhelmingly against us we have to try. Our time is limited, for we are getting on, and life is full of enexpected changes. I don’t know how , but our children and their children did not deserve this shackled insanity.
        Maybe we need to look at the natural created world. Maybe the answer lies in walking away (escaping) from the system (the cities). Look at nature , every thing is there in plenty , for our survival. Our Heavenly Father has provided from time immemorial. But as Jesus said, we can’t follow Him and money(mammon). Each one of us has to decide which way to go.

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