With Donald Trump’s references about “draining the swamp” in Washington, these letters were exchanged a few days ago.
20 October, 2016
I have a LARGE property up north and would like to take your advisement as to a matter most urgent.
In the north west corner of the property, alongside the stream and near the chicken coop — a large deep swamp has developed. Over time it has become putrid and contaminated with weeds, and as a result the whole area is now polluted.
We have in the past tried to remedy the situation. In 1963, farm manager John had tried to clear the swamp, but died prematurely in a duck shooting incident.
The stench of decay has steadily worsened since 2001, and sadly, the value of the property has declined dramatically.
We pray that you might have a solution.
The Reply — a few days later.
25 October 2016
Dear Ms Ussay,
I thank you for your letter.
We have discussed you problem in length and believe there is only one solution: DRAIN THE SWAMP.
There are several methods we would hope to use to achieve this:
The Super Suction Ejector is a machine that sucks out and compacts the slime.
The Cesspoolator is then used to scoop the toxic scum off the surface of the swamp.
Certain weed species should be eliminated completely.
It is also important to prevent the dirty swamp water from seeping back into the trough. Special 5 year barricades are required to keep the fresh water from re-contamination.
After inspection, it may be deemed neccesary to dredge the entire swamp and replace ALL vegetation.
Please let me know whether you require my services soon, as I might be otherwise occupied after the 8th of November.
DT @ Associates
(DISCLAIMER: We make no guarantees to being successful in draining the swamp if we are contracted. There are many factors such as the depth and levels of contamination — and it may, at first, be difficult to determine poisonous species against life-giving varieties. It will take many years to restore balance.
WARNING: If the toxic swamp is not drained successfully, you may have to abandon the property.)
—by Dee McLachlan