Leaked! Albo’s conversation on The Voice with his new chief advisor, Sir Humphrey Appleby

By Kim Skeltys (copyright, 2023)

Prime Minister Albanese: Sir Humphrey, let me say again how absolutely chuffed I am to have you on board as my special advisor on matters of state! Always was a big fan of your ripper of a TV show, “Yes Prime Minister.”

Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, you flatter me too much. And I confess that I am a great fan of your superb political acumen, especially how you got the whole country and the media chattering about The Voice, which just happened to drown out all those other voices shouting about the record excess deaths and heart attacks, not to mention the WHO Pandemic treaty and its power to override national sovereignty. Though it humbles me to admit this, when it comes to wiliness, you surpass even me!

PM: Ah Sir Humphrey, now it’s YOU who are flattering me too much! For I do seem to recall you yourself suggesting I launch a campaign for the Voice, some months ago, when we were having a gin and tonic at the bar of the Melbourne Club. Actually, now I come to think about it, it is almost as if you planted the idea in my head.

Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, I wouldn’t dream of taking the credit away from you for an idea of such brilliance. I am more than happy to let you bask in the, um, glory of that moment.

PM: Such a bloody shame though the Yes vote lost, and by a huge margin.

Sir Humphrey: Er well, how should I put this? Being British, I would say that it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you game the play.

PM: Surely you mean, how you play the game?

Sir Humphrey: Oh yes, and that too. But I believe you called me in to ask for my advice on another matter, Prime Minister?

PM: Yes Humphrey, that egghead Senator Rennick has sent my attorney-general a puzzling letter which he forwarded to me. It’s full of sciency terms I don’t have a clue about like “covid vaccines contain plasmids and bacterial DNA”. Claims multiple labs around the world have found this. Could you have a gander and translate it in simple English for me? Always been a bit of a duff when it comes to science, so just pretend you’re explaining it to a complete idiot.

Sir Humphrey: Just pretend? I mean, certainly Prime Minister, shouldn’t be a problem at all – let’s see…. Hmmm… oh no…. oh dear ….oh deary dear!

PM: Humphrey, I don’t like the tone at all of that deary dear!

Sir Humphrey : Well, let me put it like this, Prime Minister. Imagine the government and their health agencies have been encouraging, nay urging everyone to consume Fish Fingers, and 90% of the population took the government’s advice, and then one day it turns out that the fish fingers were contaminated.

PM: Contaminated! Oh no! What with?

Sir Humphrey: Bacteria. To be precise, their DNA.

PM: Oh dear! What kind of bacteria?

Sir Humphrey: E-coli apparently.

PM: Oh deary dear! That’s terrible! Er, forgive my ignorance Humphrey, what’s e-coli?

Sir Humphrey: Well, how should I put this without being too graphic? Those charming calling cards your dog leaves on Parliament House steps have quite a lot of it.

PM: Oh Shit!

Sir Humphrey: Precisely, Prime Minister.

PM: But how on earth…?!

Sir Humphrey: It seems like the mRNA that went into the fish fingers was grown in big vats of e-coli bacteria, for well, sciency reasons that are rather complicated to explain, and when they inserted the mRNA into the fish fingers, they didn’t do a good job of cleaning out all the bacterial DNA. In fact, vast amounts were left in the fillets, which the population then consumed.

PM: But roughly how many of the fish fingers were contaminated? In round figures?

Sir Humphrey: In round figures, I’d say one plus two zeros.

PM: One plus two …you mean 100 percent? Bloody hell! But Humphrey, just maybe that DNA contamination will end up being harmless. Do those scientists say there might be any side effects?

Sir Humphrey: Just a few. Mainly the real possibility of autoimmune disorders, cancers, heart attacks, and the genetic modification of cells that may be passed down the human genome through future generations, perhaps forever, thus turning most of the human race into mutants.

PM: Humphrey, I’m feeling quite faint. What will happen when this news leaks to the press? What will happen to us all when the public finds out, God forbid?

Sir Humphrey: I wouldn’t worry for now, Prime Minister – I’ve had a word to all the editors and they have all agreed to sit on the story till they get an official response from the TGA. So as not to cause mass panic. And the TGA are working on a convincing cover story that will let you and them off the hook.

PM: I am so relieved to hear that Humphrey! I always knew I could count on you to get me out of a pickle.

(Knock knock). A male voice: May I come in, Prime Minister?

PM: Of course Bernard. Humphrey, you must be very glad Bernard your loyal junior assistant was able to follow you all the way to Australia.

Sir Humphrey: Yes Prime Minister. Bernard missed me terribly when I left the UK, we have always been very close. Even if it did cause a bit of a scandal in towards the end, didn’t it Bernard?

Bernard: Indeed it did. Tongues will wag. Very sorry to interrupt your meeting, but Sir Humphrey I have an urgent request from the senior staff of the TGA – they want to know when their visas and tickets to China will be ready?

PM: Oh, are some of the TGA staff having an overseas holiday?

Sir Humphrey: Er, yes, that’s right Prime Minister. A holiday. And actually, Bernard and I have decided to take a little time off too and to join them, but we promise to send you regular postcards. And now if you will excuse us both, we have some packing to do.

PM: Oh, well if you must, Humphrey, but when will that cover story from the TGA about the contaminated jabs be ready, as ….

Door slams as Sir Humprey and Bernard exit hurriedly.