Home News The Story of Christmas, Retold by Kids

The Story of Christmas, Retold by Kids

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(photo cultureconcept.com)

by Dee McLachlan

Considering the ‘fake news’ propagated by the mainstream media, I thought we’d let today’s post be a list of ideas that kids have about Christmas.

The list was forward by one of our readers (thank you Gil). I traced it back to 21 March 2006, by Michael Maccartney, but there might be a much earlier source.

These are apparently statements from kids about the new and old testaments — the spelling has not been retouched or corrected.

  1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

  2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was joan of ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

  3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

  4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

  5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

  6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

  7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

  8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

  9. The first commandment was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

  10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

  11. Moses died before he ever reached canada . Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle
    Of geritol.

  12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

  13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

  14. Solomon, one of david’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

  15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

  16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

  17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

  18. St. John , the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

  19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

  20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

  21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

  22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

  23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew, who was also a taximan.

  24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

  25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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25 COMMENTS

  2. Truth is that if the average adult were to sit a test on “the Old & New Testaments” the results wouldn’t be significantly different, spelling included

  4. Love this list. Kids are awesome. Berry I agree, most adults would do no better. Mary, the Duplex is coming, but it’s made of Lego. I love Lego a lot more than Xmas. This day is all about paganism, capitalism, and lies fed to the masses for millennia. Wherever Jesus is, he’s rolling around. There’s one thing about Xmas that I do like though. It’s an excuse to spoil the kids and show them how much you love them. To all those parents out there who are separated from theirs, my heart goes out to you. May the coming year bring justice to your homes, and your children back to your arms. My thoughts today are with you all.

  5. Thank You Dee. “We don’t Do Christmas” always a challenged time.

    I sent this to my beautiful, prodigal, well travelled son-he is OS.

    He replied
    “Merry Christmas mum. I think I have injured myself laughing at the statements, priceless. Enjoy the garden, parrots and cockies.
    love —–”

    This brought me Great Tidings of Joy.

    As a child of three he was stroking an Angora rabbit and deep in thought he asked-“Does a Rabbit Know He’s Furry.?” He is a wise man with a beautiful soul, and always questions the dogma.

    I salute you all.

  6. The concept of being born under a special guiding star is a common theme in many folklores.

    The Koreans believe that their liberator (from Japanese occupation at the time), Kim Il-sung (The General, and Kim Jong-un’s grandfather) was born under a guiding star and went on to achieve his revered status as their liberator. This song is a tribute to The General.

    Moranbong Band – The General’s Star

    Merry Christmas everyone.

  8. Lawyers look for weak links.
    At number 8: mount ‘cyanide’.
    Took me awhile to spell it correctly.
    Nevertheless, very entertaining.
    Which reminds me. A taxi driver and a priest die in a separate taxi accident.
    Both present to St’ Peter and the taxi driver is provided with a grade 10 magnificant town house in heaven.
    The priest is booked into a caregory 2 dump.
    The priest complaied to St Peter for obvious reasons.
    St Peter explained to the priest: Well when you preached the congregation snoozed off and did not hear. But when the taxi driver drove all his passengers prayed to God.
    Think on it.
    It may not be a joke.

    • The taxi drivers prayed because Dee, in the passenger seat, had informed them of what is really going on.

      As she does, to strangers in the coffee shop, also. Plus she gets a lot of her “material” from the said coffee shop.

      Wish I could learn to do that, for campaign purposes. Too afraid of being rejected, however. Apparently Dee can sense which reality the person is in.

    • So what.
      Who cares?
      Every dawn and eve is Christ’s day.
      A date has to be picked to have ‘happyholidays’ to remember, giving is receiving.’

      • That’s pretty much exactly what he’s saying: if the exact date had been considered important it would have been recorded in one of the gospels; 25 Dec was chosen centuries later as a means of “christianising” an ancient pagan festival.
        Any holiday is of course a holy day, which means that laying round on the beach or playing golf is s form of worship.

  10. Late offerings:

    There’s hope for the Pommie bastards! (Sent to us my muzikmonkey herself who will be singing at Royal Perth Yacht Club with her band Nchant, please note, on New Year’s Eve.).

    There’s hope for Dee (if she can ever solve the trafficking problem, which probably she can).
    I know you want the African lyrics to Come Colors, Rise, so here they are:
    “Yi-zan-i zint-lang-a vu-ka-ni
    Phant-si kwe-zu-lu le Africa.” Go on, try it.

    There’s hope for the world!

  12. In regard to the Ozzie ad.
    I am so embarrassed to have seen it and think of my overseas friends.
    I disown it and have to find a place under a big rock.
    My dear wife merely commentated; the first few seconds was enough.
    Reportedy a 15 million production.
    We have idiots suckered by advertising guru opportunists with nose rings, ear rings and a rats tail dangling from what is supposed to be a brain.
    No wonder we are suckered by politicians and bureacrats sending our boys to be sacrificed in fake warmongering.

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